Squirrel Part I

What is that boy doing now? The one you let believe was your boyfriend in 7th grade because you couldn’t bear to disappoint someone, and then you just stopped talking to him, that was so unkind why can’t you erase the unkind things you’ve done? He remembers that, he must, in fact he is thinking about it right this moment that must have made him feel awful, the punishment for being unkind is that it will creep into your mind at random for 26 years and beyond this is fun, losing sleep, what other unkind things have you done in your lifetime? Better yet, what about all the ways you were unkind and didn’t realize it and someone got the wrong idea of who you are! Ooooo that’s the good stuff there, that’s the “keep you up at night” stuff, there are so many chores to do and that’s all you’ve done all day, just never ending chores you forgot to respond to everyone’s texts and you can’t find it in yourself to respond now because that opens more conversation and that’s too big a commitment and these two condolence cards have been on your counter since December, is it so hard to put something in the mail? People lost their parents this year, and you couldn’t manage to send the cards that you wrote, why are you such a piece of shit? Your dearest friend’s wedding gift sits in a box near the door and she was married almost a year ago, why are you this way? Loser, you’re not a lazy person, you never stop…what are you actually doing with all of this motion? Don’t forget to call the gas company you’re going to forget to call the gas company make a note in your phone calendar and paper calendar, no, like right now or you will not do it, actually go make the bed, remember how you always forgot to bring condiments to people when you waited tables a hundred years ago? They still hate you because they have romantic feelings for ranch dressing, this is the problem with America, your entire yard is weeds, what do you do about that? There are so many fucking themes for school, please, if there’s anything you do right, Marion, please do not forget silly sock day and messy hair day and make sure you do them on the right day and oh my god the parade, don’t let the baby be the one baby that doesn’t have a costume in the baby parade you need to be alone more remember all of those garbage songs you wrote alone in your apartments and then shared with people? They are currently thinking about how embarrassed they are for you, you are always making people feel second-hand embarrassment in fact, everything is embarrassing every single thing about you, everything you’ve ever done, what the fuck it’s all so embarrassing did I not seem grateful enough to everyone today? Someone right this moment is thinking about how you should’ve been more grateful, should’ve done more and how you forgot to bring something to the party and what a bitch you are and how cool you think you are, if only they could know that you just have some ADHD and things that shouldn’t be hard are a little harder, no, Marion, nobody is ever thinking about you at any point because everyone has their own shit to worry about and shall we stew about the elder man pontificating on how self indulgent moms of today (with his condescending air quotes) “feel like they’ve lost their iiiiideennntitttyyy” assuming that was a statement you’d agree with, but how sad it is that back when he was a kid moms were Sylvia Plathing themselves and on pills, every one of them had eating disorders, you understand that now, oh man, Sylvia Plath, you understand her and geez how many times a day people say things to you thinking you’re on the same page as them, not knowing you’re one of the weirdos because you can kind of pass as one of them but you’re really going bonkers in your head with all the things they say, you should speak up more, stand up for people more, but you kind of have lost your identity and all of the old guys think you’re one of those annoying self indulgent moms and, well, you are, why can’t you be regular Easter is coming up, you’ll be at Target scrounging for the last remains of Easter shit with the other ADD moms why have they made it ADHD exclusively and not ADD, I don’t know, it’s all so stupid and why does everyone HAVE TO BE IN A CATEGORY why are humans this way? And can people please stop saying ‘Neurospicy’ it’s so cringy, and why does everyone want to be neurodivergent now? It’s like mental drama is a cool club people want to be a part of? Why? Wouldn’t it be cool if you could give your ADHD away to someone who wants to be trendy? But what is neurotypical? Is there an actual normal person? No, there’s no way a truly normal person exists, right? Maybe some people can manage their brains better but everyone’s some kind of screwed up, everything is such cheese good grief can we lighten it up a little? So much negative self talk ok, look, you’re odd and definitely people can tell but also it’s ok, you’re nice, probably at least 75% of the people you come across think you’re nice and that’s good and you’re so lucky to be healthy wow that can really change in a second and you’re not a 10, but you don’t have any distinctive features that make people feel bad for you so that’s good, what's good? Is there really anything all good or all bad? Maybe you do have a distinctive feature and everyone’s been keeping it from you your whole life but at least you have nice eye lashes, good for you, that felt weird to say, your feet are way too big and your torso is too short and your shoulders could use some broadening to balance out your hips STOP you’re fine, people think you’re a bitch because you’re thin and complain about your body and, if we’re being honest, fuck off, Marion, and don’t forget “Just because you can, doesn’t mean you should” when you want to belt high notes gratuitously, congratulations Marion, always seeking attention, but do you actually sound good? Highly debatable, all the good singers think you’re total shit, go to sleep, why does everyone like the dirty sneakers with the glitter? And why don’t YOU like the dirty sneakers with the glitter? You’re the problem, can’t you just do the things everyone does oh my god why does everyone have to do the same things here, why does everybody carry the same handbags and why does that make you go insane, why does everyone have the same stuff? Why do all the children wear the same clothes? Why are you participating? What are you doing here? But it's so nice not dealing with snow are the children still breathing in their beds? Wow, all the trees have their leaves already, if you leave this place, you'd probably be somewhere where it takes forever for the leaves to get on the trees, the green is so lovely here OH GOD did you stash any chocolate anywhere you have got to get something chocolate what’s that sound in the wall, is that a 

Squirrel?